How do you talk to someone who may be suicidal?

When someone you know is thinking about suicide

It can be very difficult and distressing when you are worried that someone you care about may be suicidal. You may have noticed a change in the person’s behaviour and other suicide warning signs. You may find it hard to understand why they feel this way or how things got to this point. However, as a family member or friend, it’s important that you allow them to talk about it.

If you are concerned about the person’s wellbeing, one of the best things you can do is talk to them about how they are feeling. Yes, it can be a tough task, but the simple act of talking about it shows the person that you care — something that’s vitally important to someone in distress and who is feeling alone.

You may be worried that talking about suicide might encourage a suicide attempt. This is a suicide myth, and it is not true. You can’t make a person feel suicidal by showing your concern. In fact, talking to them can reduce their feelings of isolation, reduce the stigma, and provide some relief.

How to talk about suicidal thoughts with someone at risk

It is okay to feel unsure and overwhelmed but remember that offering support and compassion can make a positive difference for the person who is distressed. Below are some tips to help you have the conversation.

Start the conversation: Talking about suicidal thoughts

People in distress often need someone to talk to about suicidal thoughts. To start the conversation, try to find a safe, private and quiet space where they can talk freely about their feelings.

Let the person know that you have noticed a change in them – a change in behaviour or something they have said that might have alerted you.

You can open the conversation with a line like:

• “I’ve noticed that you haven’t been yourself lately. Is everything okay?”
• “I am worried about you. Can we talk about what’s troubling you?”
• “How have you been coping recently? What’s happening in your life?”
• “I saw your post on Facebook. Do you need to talk?”
• “I have noticed that you have been doing (state behaviour). Is everything okay?”
• “You seem really sad/unhappy/angry lately. I’m worried about you. Can we talk about this?”

It’s important that you make it abundantly clear that you are concerned about them, that you’re here to listen, and that you care about them. Let them know they can share their feelings and worries without interruption or judgment.

How to talk about suicide: Follow-up questions

When talking to someone who is thinking about suicide, you can keep the conversation going with more open-ended questions, like:

• “How long have you been feeling this way?”
• “Do you ever feel like giving up?”
• “Are you thinking about suicide?”
• “Are you having thoughts of ending your life?”
• “Some people who (state what you have noticed) might start thinking of suicide. Is this happening for you?”
• “How can I support you now?”

You can also provide reassurance with phrases like:

• “I am here for you.”
• “You are not alone.”
• “I am here to listen.”
• “I’m not you, so I cannot understand exactly how you feel, but I care about you and am here to support you.”

Expressing your concerns to a person thinking about suicide: What to keep in mind

• Let the person at risk know that you are concerned, and you care. Often, knowing another person cares enough to become involved and listen to them can be a great comfort to someone who is feeling suicidal.
• It is important to simply describe what you have observed rather than use words that convey judgment such as ‘good’ and ‘bad’. If the person feels judged, they might feel embarrassed or withdraw.
• Be honest and genuine in your concern.
• Acknowledge that you understand that the person is experiencing a lot of pain at present.
• Show respect and be as understanding as possible about their situation.
• Maintain eye contact and open body language.
• When discussing suicide, ensure you listen carefully to what they have to say. Use active listening techniques, such as paraphrasing what the person has said and reciting it back to them to ensure you understand them.
• Avoid minimising or dismissing their problems to ensure they know you are taking them seriously.
• Avoid using statements such as “You don’t know how lucky you are” or “You shouldn’t feel like that”. These might sound to the person as though you are judging them and minimising how they are feeling.
• Let the person know that they are not alone. Lots of people can feel this way, and it’s important to talk about their feelings.
• Offer realistic hope – it is possible for situations to improve or change for the better, and they will not always feel this way. It is likely that their problems weren’t created overnight. Therefore, the situation will probably take time to resolve, but let them know you are there for them to provide support through the tough times.

Getting help when someone you know is thinking about suicide

Encourage the person to seek professional help

The person who is feeling suicidal may not have the drive or energy to get help on their own. Try to encourage them to seek professional support for their situation. Here are some ways they can get help:

• Make an appointment with their GP, psychologist, counsellor or mental health provider. Victoria’s Better Health Channel has more information on the healthcare system.
• Call a helpline like SuicideLine Victoria on 1300 651 251 or Lifeline on 13 11 14.
• Visit the Medicare Mental Health website to connect with mental health services.
• Search for a GP, healthcare professional or service provider on Healthdirect.
• Read our page on professional services available to Victorians.
• If it is an emergency, call 000 immediately.

What if the person experiencing suicidal thoughts does not want to talk to a health professional?

It’s not uncommon for people to be unwilling to speak to a health professional about how they are feeling. This may depend on many factors ranging from their cultural background to a possible poor experience in the past or just feeling hopeless about their situation.

If they are reluctant to get help, keep these points in mind:

• Remind them their safety is the ultimate priority, and professional support will help keep them safe.
• Normalise the idea of seeking help as much as possible.
• If they are reluctant to see someone face-to-face, online or phone counselling can be another way to get support.
• Speak to a trusted person, family member, teacher, community leader or someone who can help you – you do not have to do this alone.
• Help them research options for professional support.
• Offer to accompany them to their first appointment to support them.
• Share free helplines with them, which they can contact at any time. You can also call these helplines for advice:
  • SuicideLine Victoria 1300 651 251
  • Lifeline 13 11 14
  • 13YARN 13 92 76
  • Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800
• Encourage them to make a safety plan. The plan can include a list of things to help a person in distress. For example, a list of people they can contact, phone numbers for health professionals and helplines, a list of positive things in their life, coping strategies, and reminders of reasons to live. Beyond Now is a free safety planning app anyone can use to get started.

Seek help immediately if the suicide risk is high

If the person says they are seriously thinking about suicide, you should seek professional help. Let them know you’re concerned about their safety and cannot keep it a secret because you care. Do not try to deal with the situation alone. You can call one of our counsellors at SuicideLine Victoria on 1300 651 251 for advice and support or other helplines such as Lifeline on 13 11 14. You can also encourage the person to call their doctor or psychologist to see if they can get an appointment straight away. You can offer to accompany them to the appointment.

If the person is at immediate risk and may harm themselves or someone else, call 000 or take them to the emergency department at your nearest hospital and explain that the person is suicidal. Stay with the person until help arrives unless you are worried about your safety.

If you want to speak to a professional counsellor, SuicideLine Victoria is free and is available 24/7. Call us on 1300 651 251 or click the floating chat button on the right to access online counselling.

If it is an emergency, call 000.